I really miss you, please, be my friend again.

Angel hates fluff

I don't know if its me doubting myself, or the fact that everyone around me, has that companionship, has that 'something' that makes them smile..

..and the one person that makes me smile...I just can't have.
Not that I can't have him...just I'm scared to be honest with him...and in turn that puts distance between us. In geographical terms...so much distance, its like I'm here and he's standing on the fucking Wall of China.

Surprisingly, three years of being single, three years of being alone -- and I have never felt more empty than I do now...and its because of him..

I can't believe that I'M letting him get to me...and the worst part, is that he doesn't even know it ..
I can't let him know...
I have to put on this face, like it doesn't hurt me that we don't hang out, that we constantly talk 'fluff' with no meaning and it kills me cause I want it to be like it was...

FUCK

Honestly, I don't know what to do...

I can’t express myself well anymore.

I used to write, write, write. Now I can barely breathe (breathe, breathe).
It’s funny that I’ve written so many similar words of friends and foes, the lovers and the loveless, but I feel like anything I write about him won’t actually do him justice. It’s a pretty standard cliché but I don’t really care at this point. I guess all I can say comfortably is about me. About how I am with him.

Least of all, I am happy when I'm with him. Even happy isn’t the right word. There are problems. There are so many problems. But he's the first guy I’ve wanted to tell my family and friends about and not care what they say in return.
The first one I want to live with and love with as long as I am able to.
He's the first one who makes me squirm with pleasure and teem with rage.

I have felt all of these things before, I won’t deny that. I’ve had my share of lust and love and jealousy and hatred. But it’s never the same is it? That’s the point of love, even though the feelings may be described the same way they never truly are the same. Who would want love over and over, if the feelings got old?
Anyway the importance of this is diminishing, because I can’t explain it accurately- I’m trying though.

So you know that electric current that passes through you when someone you’re into looks at you, or smiles at you, or kisses you, etc? That current that we all get, all the times I’ve had it, just isn’t the same anymore. My hair still stands on end, yes, my knees still shake, my hands wring themselves, but it’s a strange, volatile progression that I’ve never known.

Like you’re using paddles to move my blood. It’s not the type of current that numbs me out, as most do, it’s the kind that makes the trees dance and the flame of my lighter stay lit. In the sly smiles and raised eyebrows I see through him and in turn see through me too. And he's still everything I've wanted...and more.

Even with the inevitable distance.
I still want the electrical storm that was our relationship.
I do know what I’m getting myself into. I know and I don’t care....

To you...

You matter to me, and one day I hope you realize that’s enough. That I’ll keep you afloat, I’ll keep you breathing, I’ll keep you unafraid.
You see all that is relevant is us. The rest we figure out along the way.
It’s simple really, I love. You love. We love.

Black Hole

There is a void....that I cannot fill...no matter how much I drink, eat, sleep, work, pretend not to care..

I need to feel loved, and cared about -- and I only want one person to make me feel that way...

God dammit...

Black hole where my heart is once again...

Im joining a convent.... :S

Angel's caught in a web of lies....

There comes a time in everyone’s life, where they realize that they have just been pushed too far…they realize that the people in their lives that they trusted, and laughed with, and smiled with and shared good times and intimate thoughts with…are the ones that are the first to look them in the eye…and lie.

At this exact moment, I’ve had two people in my life (just to name a few), that were of a certain importance - lie to me…and I caught them. Now – obviously, everyone lies…it’s human nature, I get that. But what I don’t understand is how you can lie TO someone, to their FACE and expect it all to blow over. Do I look like I’m naïve? Do I look like the type of person that would just take your bullshit, and your lies and walk away satisfied??…apparently I do…and sadly enough…that’s exactly what I have been doing for so long now. Walking away with the wool over my eyes…just convincing myself that I wouldn’t be surrounded by people that would be so bold to lie to me like that.

Then…I realized I was lying to MYSELF about the lies; convincing myself, that they weren’t lies, just pure coincidences, and that I needed to come to terms with the fact that everyone handles situations differently. If I would have dealt with something one way, and not the way that Person X dealt with it, I found myself giving them the benefit of the doubt, and telling myself that I needed to be more open to how people deal with situations. When in reality, they were just smug in the fact that I believed their far fetched lie…and it just snowballed from there. Lying because they couldn’t tell the truth because it wouldn’t make sense with the last lie they told…etc…

Now – if you are reading this, you know exactly who you are, and you are only the icing on this cake…and I only have one thing to say to you…was it worth it?? All I’ve ever asked for …all I’ve ever wanted was the truth. I trust anyone until you give me reason not to – and I didn’t want to believe that you couldn’t be trusted...I want to believe that everyone can be….but with each lie, and each passing day it gets harder and harder to trust anyone.

Whether you’re my best friend, co-worker, acquaintance, ex, whatever…there is a trust that I automatically have instilled in you…and sadly because of a select few (surprisingly men...lol) it’s not automatic anymore.

I will not assume that people are telling me the truth about tough subjects, I will not assume that when you say you are having fun you actually are, and I will 100% not assume that when you tell me your single…you are.

The lesson my friends, is that we live in a world of selfish people, who really don’t give a shit about you and your feelings…even when they say they do. Granted, there are a lot of great people out there, and those that you could trust with your life…but very few…and when you have one of them…you hold on to them for dear life.

Sadly, I’ve learned that after 24 yrs of friendships, and relationships, and pseudo-relationships (LOL) – the only person that you can trust is yourself…and even then it’s hard to trust what your mind says vs. what your heart feels. I’ve learned that if your heart wants it, its gonna hurt…and if your mind wants it...it might be boring (but safe).…and I know that I’m just waiting for the day that happy medium exists…where my mind TRUSTS my heart….but until then…

Angel will never send this...

Below - is a letter I'll never send...because it means that I'll never be able to talk to him again...I wish I was stronger....




Hey

So..after pretty much two months of you avoiding hanging out with me - I get the clue. You make up every excuse in the book to not do something with me, and frankly I've been an idiot thinking that you're just a busy guy.

Im glad that you've found someone else to fill your time, but I want you to know that I don't understand what I've done wrong.
Instead of just saying to me - "I don't know what to say"...just tell me what happened...cause I hate feeling like an idiot for asking you to hang out...when I know that you're just going and spending your time with someone else....who is clearly more important. You're able to keep a weekly date with certain people but its impossible to come by and chill for one night.

You've bailed on me twice in instances where it meant the most to me, and instead decided to go shopping with Amanda and Tanya...which was one of the worst choices you could have made; making me not trust you...and proving that Karma is real.

Im glad you've found a girl that you can hang out; all the time, who doesn't end up with feelings for you - and I hope that its worth it...cause Im done asking you and being all fun and happy...you really hurt me - as a friend....you clearly need to look up the definition.

Im done your game XXXXXX, I can't do it anymore - cause clearly I don't mean anything to you - not even as a friend. You've gone ahead and made it into the same category as all those guys you used to warn me about....its really not a nice place to be. Im sorry that you're gonna miss this...cause Im pretty awesome ...friends or otherwise....I kinda thought you were different...but you managed to prove me right....maybe someday soon this could work...but until you realise that you can't treat people that way...and you can't just assume that what you did was 'right'....Im gone, as much as it hurts...and as much as I hate to say it --- I really do care about you...just don't think you'll ever care back unfortunately....and maybe when the time comes..it will be too late - and someone else will have realised how amazing I am...

Secretly...I hope that someone is you.

Good things come to Angel who waits....

Why is it...

When you don't want anybody but him...everyone is at your disposal?

Why is it....

The only person I want to be with.....can't be with me until he finds out about a job...

Why is it ...

That I always let men test my patience, at the mere thought of that one word we all search for...

Why is it...

That Im such a sucker for love...



Oh I know --

Its because when you're IN love..its the greatest thing in the whole world...

But when you can't have it --- its the most frustrating and annoying feeling ever felt...

Tick tock tick tock...

Put Angels Fire out ......

My firefighter summed up in two sentences, before going into details about our first date...

**Waiting to hear from a job in Ottawa where his ex gf lives, and he has a good chance of getting the job
**Super cute, big connection, feels fantastic spending time with him...and yet he is worried about if he is over his ex or not...and how he doesn't want to get into something with me, and then have to up and leave when he gets this job.




Ok so my date last night, was the most confusing, weird...whatever and I needed to talk to someone about it -- so you get that job.

We had a fantastic night in general..... we went to BP and watched the game, had good conversation....then got to the movie and it was good....and then half way through the movie, i just was like F*CK it and i turned to him and put my arm underneath his and like cuddled up to him....and I was like ...I don't like your rules lol

So then for the remainder of the evening we were like that ....then he was driving me home really slowly...and we were still talking and what not...and then conversation started in the car when he dropped me off and basically he asked me if i was ready for a relationship, and I said I am...and I know what I want....and he said that he wants too, but he's so confused with his feelings for his ex cause they never really 'broke' up cause they hated each other, but more so because of the distance etc...

We talked about what I want...where I am in my life, and where he is...and I said...Im at the point where I want that relationship, and I can see it happening with him.. he agreed that there was a connection there, and that he is worried that we would start something, and then he would still have feelings for his ex or have to move...and I just said, well I guess Im in the mindset that you don't know if you never try....and he kept saying "You're killing me here" lol and he was like, if I had known that you were going to come into my life like this, I would have turned down the Ottawa interview....and I was kinda shocked and he was like -- thats why this is so hard for me...

We talked about how I got over Wes, and how hard that was for me - just as a point of interested for him, and he asked me how I did it....and I was like honestly, I can say that I've been 'single' for the past two years, and since I started talking to him, have I not ONCE thought about my ex, and I told him that I think him coming into my life helped me get over him. I told him how no matter how nasty a break up is , that you will always love that first one no matter what, and I understand that and its just how you handle it, and the understanding from your significant other, that helps you get over them .....then I used some cheesy line like " You can never get over your ex, if you don't get under someone else" hahahahah lol Im a loser

I told him that I didn't think it was fair to me for the expectation on his part to be that if he doesn't get the job in ottawa that I would just be here waiting for him - I told him that I don't have anyone else in my life right now, and that hopefully if that happens, I would be around....but you never know..and he was like ...I've never not jumped on a chance like this before -- I've told my friends about you , I've told my dad about you - and they are all amazed at how happy I am since we've started talking - I said the same....and I just said that no matter what happens, we are still gonna be friends, and still talk ....cause I don't want that to end....

So then at like 120 I was like alright well Im sorry for putting you on the spot etc, I guess I just really like you and think you're great etc....and he was like and I feel the same, I guess I just don't know what to do. So I was like ok -- you have one last chance to end this night with a kiss...we just stared at each other, and I fist pumped him lol and was like have a good night.

Then I got inside and felt like a loser for putting him on the spot like that, so I txtd him and apologized about how even though I knew why he was doing what he was doing, how sometimes my emotions get the best of me...and he wrote back " I feel like an idiot actually" so I was like well you should a little lol ....but I said that in the future it would be his call, and Im not putting myself out there....and he wrote back " All night I had so much fun with you, and I was so happy when you made the move in the theatre.....and then in the car, that was very hard not to jump you, I hope you know that". I told him that im glad im doing something right lol

He said he was envious that I was so secure in what I wanted and I knew 100% --- he said that he knows there is a connection there...and he knows that we would have fun and be a fantastic couple ...but we can't be until all this stuff gets figured out....and then I changed the subject lol


So bottom line - we both want this to happen - he doesn't want to hurt me by moving to Ottawa, but he also doesn't know where things stand with his ex. I told him that by allowing feelings for me to come through, he was realising that he wasn't going to be with her, and that it might be time to move on. I dunno -- it sucks...it was really hard to just leave the car, I've never felt so rejected ....yet I know that he wants me.....its the weirdest thing

lol there is my little strory about last night... :P

So every once and a while, a situation comes along that just seems too good too be true....and I usually doubt it. I usually think of every way possible that this couldn't be what was happeneing -- something must be wrong, or wires crossed or something....and then I find that my insecurities and my paranoia just usually ruin the situation...and c'est la vie.

So when Colin and I started talking more after I got back from Mexico, I just figured it was because ...well I dunno...we missed each other's friendship? Well -- we consumed ourselves with each other. The first person I talk to in the morning, and the last person I talk to at night....since I got back. He makes me laugh, we have fun together...all as friends. Until one of us starts drinking, and then the conversation makes that awkward turn; the "You're such a great friend, but I also want you to know that I would sleep with you if the opportunity arises" turn....and I had to start to think. I've always found him attractive, I mean for christs sakes he's a FIREFIGHTER...and what woman has not had those fantasies....men in uniform are SMOKIN! (no pun intended lol) Anyways -- he's single, attractive, we make each other laugh, we go to each other with advice...and we take each others advice...so maybe this could work -- maybe we could do this....is this what I've been waiting for? All those horrible dates, and funny stories for my girlfriends after the fact, have they all been leading up to a possible relationship with someone right under my nose??!

Grinch stole....my heart....

My heart......hurts.

Angel from afar...

So

I can't remember the last time I was on here...staring at a blank space WANTING to fill it with all my thoughts and words and emotions and EVERYTHING....

So here I sit, on a Saturday night -- staring and having the urge to write it all. Write everything down that has happened since god knows when...

Mostly -- my emotions are just up and down right now, and I don't even know where to start.

Someone I care about, alot -- and always will; had his life shattered when he lost his mother. She passed away, and I cried. Not because I was so close with her, but because of the pain that I knew he was feeling. Now, in no way was that time supposed to be about me, it was his time to grieve...but I found out about the funeral and the viewing and I went to pay my condolences...and I sat in the parking lot, gathering up the courage to go in and pay my respects...and I couldn't do it.
That was the weirdest feeing in the world, knowing that somone that I cared so much about at one time, was 100ft away from me and hurting -- and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

Again -- its not about me, but I just felt so bad for him, and was so confused about the whole situation.
..and now Im absolutely terrified that he is lying to me about how he's doing.

I've been there, I've lied about "How Im doing" and told people I was fine, when I wasn't...because you think to yourself, that no one else wants to hear your stories, no one else wants to know that you cry....but its ok to tell people, its ok to get help...just please God...don't turn to your vices...don't turn to smoking, drinking, gambling etc...instead turn to your gf, your friends, even me for Christs Sakes...just don't be ashamed about it all.

Thats about it for tonight -- there is so much more..Im just wiped..

Stay tuned.. xo